Botany good plants lately?
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Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Discuss
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.