@SkinnerSteven

Botany good plants lately?

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@xLiserx

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

@TheTweetOfGod

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

@Skoog

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

@KyleMcDowell86

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

@audipenny

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

@Chonfucius

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

@QuotingJokes

I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.

@krisv_723

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

@Wine_Honey1

When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.