Botany good plants lately?
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Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
My wife gives the best headache.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.