Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to