Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
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Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
🤯🤯🤯
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.