Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
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[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.