Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
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Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up