Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Me: “I peed three times last night”

Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”

Me: “Getting up?”

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts