Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
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“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??