Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.