[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
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new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
The booster protects against what, now?
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise