Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well