[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
You Might Also Like
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off