[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Just ordered me some pizza!
Y’all ready for this
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey