ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
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[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My kitchen overserved me.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon