Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
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9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.