Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

I’m hunting wabbits…

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper