Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad