Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
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My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
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North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!