Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I’M CRYINGGG
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Today’s tshirt
