Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
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Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!