Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

Tastes like chicken.

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

S/o to @funTweeters .

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves