Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
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During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip