Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

i’m still crying at this

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

(by @ZachWeiner )

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*