Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen