Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
this could fix me
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.