Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
More like Kate Missington.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.