Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
