Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
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My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
selfie game
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
dictator is short for richard potato
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.