Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

Florida man

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.