**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.



Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

You Might Also Like


Father’s Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.


Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.


[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems


*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter


doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome


“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁


Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides