@bobblegagger

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

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@shawnspree

Father’s Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.

@inikoblue

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

@DanMentos

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

@DrakeGatsby

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

@OrdinaryAlso

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

@RandiLawson

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides