Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
You Might Also Like
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
We need a new man of the house
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
People fear what they don’t understand:
4th grade math word problems
You can tuck a carrot into bed , but it won’t know what you are doing because he’s a carrot
Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me “Where would you like to sit?” I replied “preferably on a seat.” #accomplished
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?