Father’s Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides