DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
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wonder why’s theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Sales girl: Would you like the receipt?
Me: Sure! If they don’t work, I’ll be bringing them back.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.