**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
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[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”