Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

Erm I’m gonna say no

Moms. The original autocorrect.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

I need to get some bricks…

!!!!!!!!!!!

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.