*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks