*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
You Might Also Like
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
two people or more is called a problem
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog