Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!