Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

I’m sorry…what?

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

“I FIXED IT!”

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that