Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
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[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
They’re not wrong
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.