Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]

10: this is nice dad

me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.

10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?

me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..