Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
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sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Donkey Kong sommelier