Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

Is fructose made with real fruct?

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

I’m not alone. I have ants.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.