The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
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me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Brother?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?