Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I put the hot in psychotic.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I didn’t come here to be called names
I think about this cartoon a lot.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
