Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏