Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually