Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
who’s gonna tell her?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.