Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄