Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

Feel. He’s so soft.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.