bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
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[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.