Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
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I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?