Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
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I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️