Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
You Might Also Like
What the hell is going on?
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
A man tells his doctor he applied the haemorrhoid cream and got a nasty reaction.
“Where did you apply it?” asked the doctor.He replied: “On the bus.”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]