Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
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Morningbreath
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