Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
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my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”