Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

omg leave her alone

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.

Rookie move.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.