Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
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Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
My boss called in sick of me
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.