Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
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What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family