Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”