Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
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“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella