Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

LOL

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.