Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
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Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Human are so complicated
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
an airline just for babies.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.