Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
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Winnipeg!!
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
felt cute might bury dad later idk
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right