Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
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Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume