Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home