Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Yup!
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat