Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
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ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴