Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

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video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17