Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

NOT all policemen are strippers.

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

😂😂

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?