Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”