Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
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People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
This was my dad’s browser history.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.