bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
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At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Wait a minute
