Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.