Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.