bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Favourite diary entry ever
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.