Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
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Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Tell me you get it…🤣
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge