Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

Whoa 😂

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

Boy never ceases to amaze me

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.