Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
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Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Why I divorced her.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
They did not think through this water fountain
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?